My Christmas gift to myself, after three years of searching. I am now the proud owner of two typewriters, this being the oldest.

It dings a bell when you swipe the top thing to one side. It’s miraculous. And it even smells like dust. I’M SO RETRO.

I know you told me to, but five colleges and a cough got in the way and now the five (of seven) are out of the way, but I’m still sniffling.

Decoded: I had to apply to college and I’m unwell. :)

p.s. I intend to not make any of my facebook statuses about my application/denial/acceptance into colleges. If I want people to know who accepted me, I want to tell them and see their reaction (or in your case, I want to read your snail-mailed reaction).

I totally understand. I hate uncertainty. I have to know every detail or I start getting really anxious. So believe me, it’s not just you. But, for your sake, I hope things start getting clearer. And I cannot believe that you have no computer of your own. That makes me mad. And sad.

p.s. My arm is slightly swollen and purple from all that volleyball yesterday. I didn’t know you could bruise your entire forearm.

Theresa is handing out dot books, and we’re eagerly waiting to see who will end up next to Taylor. And in the next frame, there’s me, stunned and really pissed off that I lost five dollars to Blake because he was right. I’m next to Taylor Bendus. He’s jumping up and down, laughing and shouting and teasing me. Sarsah is laughing too. I’m still angry.

There’s me at opening set as this freshman chick, who seems unable to walk from point A to point B, stumbles to her second dot. I can see Sam, Kelly, and Sarah’s face as we’re all exasperated with what to do or say to improve things.

I see me walking with Mandy Woo, late to lunch cause we were such good samaritans and cleaned up the field before going in to eat. I see myself confiding in her that Bianca is not there, and that I feel sort of alone, without friends.

I see Blake and Sarah at break, together, me sitting beside them, awkwardly left out of the conversation.

I see Blake at set three, marching backwards 20 counts, while I stay right behind him, half a football field away. I am looking at his form, at his hair, at his tan - all of which are perfect. I see myself feeling sad, because I am not what he wants, not now, not ever probably.

I see Michael Pinc’s smile as he waves to me and we exchange brief words. I see myself watching him play frisbee and freestyle rap and carry his snare drum. I feel just as I always have - that that boy could be a model without trying.

I see myself hitting snooze in the morning, a bad habit I’ve fallen into this summer. I see myself pulling the sheets up over me in desperation to hold on to both sleep and awakeness as I can’t decide what is better. I see two dreams, that came consecutively - both featuring dear Amelia, and you, Elizabeth.

I see the looks Blake gives me over his stand during sectionals. I see his eyes, as we play tricks on Theresa, taking her t-shirt money from her stand. I see him give it to me, saying, “Hold onto it for a while.” When he asks for it back, I see his confusion because I say I don’t have it. My face is quite honest. It’s still sitting on my stand, behind my music. I, (unlike Taylor Bendus) am a terrific liar. I see his glee, and Theresa’s frustration as she finds it in her chair, right where she’s sitting, right where I’ve slipped it when she wasn’t looking. I see her further frustration the next day when we do it again, and it appears under her chair.

I see the days run together, both long, and short. Today the week was over. It feels like today the week began.

I see Kaycie conducting. My bitterness has ebbed. I am happy for her. We are still good friends. We like to drive places in her car with the music loud and us dancing along. I like making her laugh when I know none of the songs.

I see myself write Kelly a long letter. I feel myself be simultaneously happy and sad when I find that I know nothing about how she is doing. She seems to be enjoying herself, but I hate not being with her. I think I honestly love her, like one might love a boyfriend - only, I don’t want to be like that to her. I’m just a very very close friend.

I see the pool party tonight, I see myself playing volleyball, making serve after fabulous serve. I see myself catch most every ball thrown to me. I’m happy when Blake stays a full half hour longer than he said he would. I see myself staring at him, backlit against the green glow of the pool after the sun goes down. I see him shimmy out of his shirt in some sort of dance-move in front of Kaycie, Hannah, and Sarah. I have a momentary spasm of fear, that perhaps he likes Hannah or Sarah. Then I look over and his shirt is back on and it was just a joke. I see Mandy ask why I look sort of confused, and I realize perhaps she can see me keep staring at him. I have decided at some point, I would like to tell Mandy Woo. I see Spencer, this new boy, sing karaoke. That boy is cute. Small, young, crazy, and cute.

I see myself read you post. You are gone again, it seems. Only this time, being a state away is further. Contact is less possible. But I will make it work. It will work, it must. Write me when you can. Email when you can. Let me know how you are and what goes on at your boarding school.

The last picture is from tonight. I’m standing on the volleyball field, laughing with Mandy Woo in the darkness. I step on something and look down. It’s Blake’s shoes, in the middle of the field. He spikes the ball over, and then walks around, staring at the black ground. I ask if he’s looking for his shoes. They’re right here, I tell him. He comes over, slips into them, makes another two passes. And then he fades away under the tree, towards the exit. As he goes, he calls, “Goodbye Maya.”

It makes me happy.

Let me know if you read this. If you don’t, I’ll email you. And I’ll surely write to you. I have so much to say, you know. Write to me too! :)

After a nice casual conversation with Blake, I felt a lot better about things.

Oh, and I take it your list was about that boarding school; um, I don’t care that they give equestrian classes and such - do not go there. Thanks.

Bright Eyes. He’s simply marvelous. I read a review once that said, “His album is like listening to someone’s diary. You feel like you shouldn’t be hearing it.”

Probably the truest words ever written.

How come for three months my parents have been pestering me about finishing my driving log so I can finally get my license, so that I can take myself here and there so they don’t have to be bothered, so that they can do something they want for a change - and finally, when I am able to get my license at last, I’m not allowed to drive anyone anywhere for a good long while.

And I was going to drive Blake home next week. Well, that plan’s shot. Lucky me.

I think I should stop liking Blake, simply because it’s just too hard.

in the ending of summer. And it’s not really over, but from now on I really have to work work work. If I’m not at Marching Band, I have to be reading. If I’m not reading, I have to be doing college stuff. If I’m not doing either, then praise the Lord, I’m sleeping.

So summer is basically over. And I mean, I’m happy, with how I spent most of it. I am very very happy with the majority of it. But still, there are bits I would like to have back, to re-do. Not many, but small bits. I wish I could redo yesterday, for one. I wish I could re-do that one week where I did almost nothing but sit in front of the computer. I wish I’d seen other friends more. I wish I’d done a tad bit more for college stuff. I wish I’d studied for the SAT a bit more, cause I’m so close to so many schools that I really want, but just the tiniest bit short. William and Mary wants a 1360. I have a 1330. Pitt accepts a 1350 into their Honors program - again, I fall short by just 20 points.

I just hope that for the next two weeks the time I spend in Marching Band goes by intolerably quickly, and that the time outside of Marching Band drags on for eons. However, it will probably be quite the opposite, and I’m ready to face that.

But, never the less, this has been the best summer of my life. I must say. I have done so much. I have created new hobbies, I have found new passions, I have learned so much about myself and my friends. I have discovered how the new generation is turning out, and how I never want my kids to turn out. I have said goodbye too many times, but mostly in good stead. I have said hello far more times. I have raised money, bought things, made things, done things. I have gone many places. I have lost weight - and probably gained it back. I have baked cookies and cupcakes and I have given several gifts.

Yes, when I look back, I’ll admit, I am happy. But there is a certain sadness now, that it is ending.

I had this flashback, last night. I was sitting here in front of the computer, and all of a sudden - and I honestly can’t say what prompted it - there was this image. And I don’t know if it’s this way for everyone else, but most of my memories come back with a certain tint, a bending of the light, and they’re a lot more romanticized after the fact. It’s like someone photo-shopped my memory, and it’s generally a bit darker, a bit sweeter, a bit yellower. Like an old photograph. Honestly. A lot of the things I remember look like this.

But there was this image, or rather, a filmstrip that played in my head. These elevator doors opened, and I stepped out kind of in a rush, and I had my cellphone out, and I was still in my clothes from the day - I think that was the night I wore the blue dress. I almost ran into him, standing there. Blake was there waiting for me, with his cellphone charger wadded into one hand (which is why we were meeting), and he was in his pajamas, and I hadn’t expected him, but there he was. And we talked. He made me laugh, but then I had to take the charger and get off his floor, cause I didn’t think being on the boy’s floor was allowed.

And now today there is another image. Of me looking up at him on his lifeguard chair. I didn’t look particularly pretty. In fact, in my opinion my shirt was too tight and I shouldn’t have worn it and I looked sort of fat, which I wish I hadn’t. And my lips were too red from the slurpy and I was gonna take my hair down, but I didn’t. And there he was, and he’s tan from being in that chair all summer, and he’s wearing these aviators that he confesses are stolen from some girl who left them, and his hair is just as it always is - quite untouchably perfect. And Kaycie’s there with me, and he looks so lovely, so wonderful, and his contacts are quite nice on him. And she told me he’d be well-chiseled when he got down off his chair - and she was right.

But see, I’m sad, sitting here typing this to you. I wasn’t then, but I’m sad now, because this memory I’ve just showed you is like showing a photograph. Photographs say a thousand words, right - but this picture doesn’t say the thousand we exchanged right there by the edge of the pool. It doesn’t tell you why I’m sad.

I want to talk to you. Message me, when you’re free.

1. Life continues to constantly surprise me. And I am still surprised. (on meeting you in Chincoteague)

2. Do not try to save a lost cause - they’re already lost. (on Robbie’s reading)

3. Do not fall in love when you know you ought not to. (on our beautiful, splendiferous wooden boat)

4. Friends are all you need. (on Bianca, Kelly, the Fab Four, Blake, Mandy, Kayse, Emzy, and a few others)

5. Always try new things - and always fall in love with them. (on Mod Podge, on making fabric flowers, on crosswords, on sea glass collection, on painting wood)

6. Goodbyes are not the end-all and be-all of relationships. (on many things, some of which are Bianca and Kelly)

7. Growing older is burdensome in some ways, in others, a complete relief.

8. I will be an author some day.

9. Finding the right colleges to apply to might be harder than actually getting in.

10. Talking to people is not always a bad thing; like at the Farmer’s Market - those people are wonderful.

11. I really think side bangs is not enough. I really want straight bangs.

It’s just waves of relief right now, washing up on to me and rolling over me, and I am so glad. A small burden has just fallen off my shoulders. Thank God. Relief, relief, relief. That’s all I can think, all I can do, and I’m so happy. It makes me want to stay up late and write. I feel secure. I feel safer. I worry a little less now. Thank God for this.

I will explain this on Friday.